Hi! My name is Kari and I am a Stay-at-Home wife and mother. I have 1 daughter for now and am constantly struggling to make my new lifestyle work for me.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Hugs & Halloween

So it is Friday. Button is now 11 and a half months old. She has started hugging everything. She LOVES hugging her Care Bear and her blankie and yesterday she hugged a golf ball and one of her blocks - she loves hugging so much that sometimes she will put her arms around herself and hug herself! The cutest thing is that she will make a little grunting noise when she hugs because that is what I do with her. How cute is that? Why yes, I know - I have the cutest, smartest baby in the world! Okay, other mothers may disagree with me, but I believe that I do.

I love putting her little hair into piggy tails - they aren't so much piggy tails as bug antennae because they stick straight out of the top of her head. No curls for Button - she had no hope of curls between Hubby and me - we both have stick-straight hair. Anyway, for some reason I am completely obsessed with Halloween this year. I have been telling everyone about Button's costume for over a month now. She is going to be a little ladybug with her piggy tails as antennae. I have been looking at every store in town and talking to other people about how they would make wings and debating about buying a costume as opposed to making a costume as opposed to buying regular clothes and making them work for a costume. Then debating about whether I can actually MAKE ladybug wings that look like ladybug wings, or whether they will just look like a wire hanger that got into a fight with some black pantyhose. I don't know how cost effective it would be for me to make my wings because by the time I buy 12 pairs of black pantyhose after running every single one of them, and then ripping them to shreds trying to get them over the hanger, and then later in anger, I will have spent about $50. Judging from my prior attempts at Halloween costumes for myself (flying snake anyone?), I should probably spend the $25 and just buy a ready made costume so that people won't ask me what she is supposed to be - Oh, where are her antennae? Ooooh, those ARE her wings... They're very...... (searching for the right word)... interesting...

The thing is that I don't even know why I am worrying about Halloween this year. I mean Button doesn't know the difference and we aren't even going to go Trick-or-Treating, so what is the point of even making her a costume? I had originally thought that I would have her dressed up so that when people come to the door for candy, they would get to see her and comment on her cuteness. Then I realized that the people coming to my door want me to say how cute THEIR kids are and don't really care about MY kid. Oh well, we will have lots of pictures to show the grandparents, who are probably the only ones who care anyway.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I went running yesterday. Pick up your jaws now, I'll wait...

Okay, yes. I went running - or more like jogging, but whatever - it was faster than a walk, thus it was running. I ran for a mile, then walked a mile, then ran until my knee started having stabbing pains (about 1/2 mile) then walked for another mile or two. This is the first time that I have run any significant distance since I found out I was pregnant with Button, so it is going on two years. I can't even talk about the sadness I felt when I realized that I was no longer 21 and my body started to remind me that I was no longer that young and resiliant. Ahhh, the soreness today! Oh, and for my effort, I thought that I deserved to step on the scale this morning to see that I had lost at least 5 pounds, but NO - not only had I not lost 5 pounds, it appears that I have gained 3 pounds for my effort. Could have been that I decided that I deserved a treat (or 2 or 3) yesterday for being so good and running. I guess it is going to take more than one running session to lose those last 15 pounds...

Anyway, I walked/ran around a lake with a trail winding down by the lake, past a prarie restoration area and through many canopies of trees. It was beautiful. All of the fall colors were just starting to make an appearance and the yellows and reds and oranges were amazing. When I stopped on the dam and looked across the water at the prarie restoration, it was breathtaking. There was almost no wind, the water was calm and I could look across the lake and see trees changing colors, a beautiful blue sky, red flowering bushes and birds of many varieties. I almost forgot that I was in the middle of a city until I walked a little further, looked to my right and lo and behold - a shopping mall. Alas, all good things must come to an end.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

My Struggle with PPD

It has been 3 months since I last posted. How sad. I have to say that I really went through a tough time there for awhile. I started numerous posts, but they were all too depressing. One of them started, "Assuming I had any friends left". How sad... I felt like I had post-partum depression - I felt listless, sad, tired - soooo tired all the time. I was cranky and irritable with my friends. I didn't feel like doing anything - I couldn't get out of the house - the prospect of putting on regular clothing and getting the baby out of the house was too much to think about. It took everything I had every morning to get out of bed and feed my daughter. Then I would sit around all day and escape into fiction books, emerging only to change a diaper or feed the baby or keep Button from falling down the stairs. I did only the bare minimum.

I tried calling my obstetrician, but that was absolutely NO HELP! She was on vacation the week that I called and the nurse who finally responded to my call didn't think that there was any way that I had Post-Partum depression because my baby was 11 months old. And "You can't have PPD because your baby is too old. You are probably just going through a funk. Do you have a general doctor?" Me: "No". Her: "Well, you probably don't have it, but why don't you call our other office and make an appointment to see the doctor next week" Me: “Okay, whatever”. The whole time I am thinking that if I did have severe depression, her lack of interest in my feelings could have sent me over the edge. Seriously, it takes a lot for a woman to call for help, and then when you finally do, some uncaring nurse tells you (without even asking you anything or even knowing your name) that you don’t have it because your baby is too old. How did she know that I hadn’t been suffering for 10 months and just now realized that I needed help? After 2 phone calls, I was done. I wasn’t going to get any help, and honestly, she made me feel like crap every time I talked to her. Luckily, I also talked to my mother-in-law who told me that she had severe post-partum depression even to the point of contemplating suicide, and the thing that finally pulled her out was finding a bible study and getting out of the house.

I made the decision to try to keep myself busy during the week and see how I felt in a couple of months. I signed us up for Gymboree on Mondays, Bible Study on Tuesdays, Wednesdays my mother-in-law watches Button while I take tennis lessons and Fridays are playdate days. Thursdays we are trying to have a field trip of some kind – either a zoo or a park or a walk or something. I have also started working out most days of the week which has GREATLY improved my self-image. I have re-instituted my cleaning routine, so I have a sparkly house to go along with my sparkly personality. Okay, well not really, but my hubby says I am doing better than I ever have since the baby was born. He says that "Old Kari" is back. I am not sure if "Old Kari" is before baby or before marriage, but whoever she is, she is back. Or at least partially back because you can never go back to being who you were before you had children - too much changes. Anyway, it is amazing what a little bit of social interaction and a “living clean”* house did for me. I am only in week 2 of the whole thing, but I feel great!

* “Living clean” means that the house is as clean as it can be while there are actually people living in it. I do not believe that it is realistic for me to have a spotless house while I have an infant, soon to be toddler, at home. It is also allows me to “live” a little at home and not spend every free minute cleaning, or spend minutes cleaning while I should be interacting with my child.